Layered

[eskil_douglas]

[["Poetry". NSFW.]]

If all is indeed illusion
I have come to the conclusion
that one is better of believing
though the world might be deceiving
for what else is there but sorrow?

Some claim the grand productions
and the intricate constructions
are so very immoral
and they bicker and they quarrel
demanding all should be revealed

I can’t help but disagree
and wonder how they fail to see
that if it weren’t for this art
all would surely fall apart
and one would want no tomorrow.

For illusions aren’t lies
as some of them cries
no they are wondrous creations
and truly great imaginations
uplifting for us who wish to be healed

Sword or pen - which is lightest?
Dreams or death - which is brightest?
Truth lies not in revelation
Love lies not in condamnation
Not every construct is delusion
Not every choice made from confusion

But it is poor, my introduction
to this attempted deconstruction
Though as I try to reach the core
I only wish to say there’s more

****************************************

Handed the chisel and hammer
A sledgehammer would be quicker
To reach the core
Impatience
Would have me in shattered pieces
Left without nothing to assemble the remains

So I chip away
Tedious
Slow
Until I see a form
That might be
me

First layer
Yes I can see it now
But do I believe it?

Dark curls, grey eyes, sweet smile.
Fair skin and healthy muscles - youth.
Meets my eyes as I gaze into a mirror.
A shiny cover, but is he darling or vile?
Underneath it one must search for truth.
What lies beyond - beauty or horror?

Shedding that first layer,
peeling it off with claws that wound.
Digging in, drawing blood.
Best send up a prayer,
who knows what will be found?
In the end can I stem the flood?

Will it be worth my while I ask,
as I cut even deeper, searching.
Is this nothing but madness?
Giving up limbo for this task,
or will truth only end up hurting.
Am I destined for sadness?

Discarding my skin.
Reaching for the core.
Naked with my fears.
Is there only sin?
I hope for more.
Something else than tears.

Shedding that first layer,
blood and tears as the key.
Hear a scared youths prayer;
I wish to be free!
I wish to be free.

Deeper down
Not a void
There’s more than what meets the eye
There’s need

Aching, burning, longing.
Swallow me.
Eat me.
Take my flesh, devour me!

Enticing, delirious, yearning.
Fingers dancing across heated skin.
Mouths claiming their territory, teeth marking it.
Filling up - being filled.
Excruciating.
Agony.
More.

Tasting sweet nectar, drinking deep.
Losing everything to desire.
Swept away by the raging storm.
Painful delight.
Never landing, stay in the high.
Giving all,
surrendering.

Held, holding, tasted, tasting, taken, taking.

Need it.
Need it.
Breathe.

Release, release, tidal wave.
Again.
Please.

Further in
There’s more yet
to see

As they feed so do I.
Chewing, swallowing,
no hunger.

Eating away, feasting.
Course after course,
no hunger.

Succulent meat, tart sauce,
spicy, sweet, tender,
no hunger.

Culinary delights, fine wines.
Delicious.
Addicting.
Keep it coming.

Make a swine out of me
let me lie in the filth
the rain washing down.
Never hunger.

Shedding
Beyond skin
Beyond expected
Make your choice
Do you really want?

Grabbing for more.
I never wanted.
But I learned.
If I didn’t,
grab
for
more
I wasn’t
filling the
roll I was given.

So I gave them,
and they took.
And I grabbed,
what I could.
So I gave them,
and they took.
And I reached,
for more.

To give them.
To sate the beast.
To avoid being eaten.
By their greed.

Temporary salvation.
Everlasting damnation.
I never wanted.
The weights are still mine to push.

Searing away
The flesh
Scorching
Can you stand the smell
Do I revolt you?
My weakness
Pathetic
Infuriating

Blood boiling with impotent rage just at the thought
- untouchable
Fettered by invisible bonds, held back
- unreachable
Burning with hatred
Flames consuming

The smirk, the lies, the threats, the violence
Stokes the fire
Burning brighter
Until nothing is left but ashes

Until all is bitter sour bile
Swampland.

Tearing
myself apart
Does it amuse you?
Will you take pity?
Should I?

Hosianna!
Hear me, Father.

Hear me, for once.
Help me, for once.
You cruel twisted
God.

Hosianna!
Show your face, Father.

Let me see, your mercy.
Let me see, your wrath.
Make me
believe.

Hosianna!
Hosianna!

I’d sing your hymns.
I’d praise your name.
Father.
I’d pray.
I’d pray.
Father.

For salvation,
if I only thought it could be given.

Hosianna,
Father,
Am I to burn?

Getting closer
To the bones
And darkness descends
Will there be light?

The sound of his cry,
the sight of his blood,
and how he grew pale.

Bliss.

The smell of a freshly fired gun,
the first taste of freedom,
and how he starred.

Victory.

Striking a nerve
I’m on my knees
Mercy

A whisper in a certain ear
Wide eyed innocence
Easy choice
Considering the option

The fool, uninitiated
Messenger knowing
Just enough to deliver
Ordered lies

A fraudulent weakling
Betrayer
Betrayed
Twice damned

Truth
is this.

Cold
but I didn’t freeze
Cocytus ice
is not for me

they deserved it

I only mourn I never had the chance to spit in their faces

And now the puppet has cut the strings
Can it be blamed for stumbling a bit?
Shouldn’t one rather applaud it
for it’s will to live
even after cruel masters
tainted it with guilt.

Perhaps it’s pitiful
Perhaps it’s a waste of your time
Maybe you’d pull those severed strings yourself
Maybe it’d be a pleasant distraction
Though it’s been cutting before
and playing with broken toys
is so gauche.

Here
Flawed
Determined
I stand before you.
A man
Unveiled

I only ask
you take a good look at me

I have sacrificed
I have faced my fears
Can you see it?

I have trusted
I have been kind
Can you see it?

I have waited
I have endured
Can you see it?

I worked to get here
I have been efficient
Can you see it?

I have given
I have cared
Can you see it?

I have kept myself in line
I have avoided excess
Can you see it?

I have been honest
I have tried to better myself
Can you see it?

Do you see me?
Can you believe me?
Can I see?
Can I believe?

The past is best left behind
The future yet lies ahead
The present
The present
Here - now
Yes, this is where I am
This is where I belong
And I...

... am done